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Testimonial 8 - Red McWilliams

I grew up going to a Methodist church every Sunday. We did Sunday school and the worship service. I learned all the stories, and knew all the songs. I didn't hate it, but I don't think I ever "got it" either. It just seemed like something you did. Of course there's a god, we go and talk about him every Sunday.

In Junior High, one of our coaches told me about Evangelism Explosion and then took me through the story of sin and redemption. He lead me through the sinners prayer and told me I had made a great decision. I still didn't really get what was going on though. That was 1991.

Fast forward to 1999. I'm married and just started my first "real" job. One of my coworkers is a good guy and a christian and one night when he and his wife are over for dinner they briefly mention the church they go to and the real cool, laid back Sunday night worship service they attend. It sounds interesting enough to me so we go and check it out. It's pretty cool, there's a band that plays contemporary and postmodern praise and worship music, we all sit at little tables and drink coffee and instead of a sermon, we have discussion topics.

I'm enjoying it, but one night the pastor talks about what salvation really is and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I wasn't really saved. I sort of thought I was, but it never sunk in just what that meant. I spent the next few weeks talking to the pastor about what it all meant and I spent some time in prayer. It was awkward; I had prayed when I was younger but this was different. I felt like there were some important things I needed to say to god. So one night, I'm sitting at my house and I think to myself "what am I waiting for?" That night I said a very awkward but sincere prayer and told god that I believed that he created the whole universe yet knew me personally and that he sent Jesus to die so I could have eternal life with him. I asked him into my heart and said Amen.

Nothing magical happened. I didn't really expect it but I was kind of hoping something would feel different. Undaunted though, I told my friends at church about what I said and what happened and they assured me, I had been changed.

Lo and behold after a few weeks, I did start to feel different. I saw the world in a little different light. My prayers seemed more intimate. Everywhere you looked, it was like there were little post-it notes that god left behind just a little reminder. Sunrises were awesome and somedays, in the evening when ther was some cloud cover but part of the sun had broken through and you could see the rays of light streaking down to the ground, well those were a big "hey what's up" from god. I talked to god all the time, like he was my friend riding shotgun with me on my way to work. I don't remember specific replys from those conversations, but I knew we were rapping.

Things continued to go well; I became more involved in the church. I tithed and gave extra when we started a building fund. I helped lead stewardship meetings around the new building. I sang in the "praise team". I was into it whole-hog. On one camping trip we were introduced to something called prayer journaling. Basically you get away from your distractions and sit quietly with a pad of paper and a pen. Then you write down your prayer and then wait. You cleared your mind and listened to god's response, and wrote it down. I did this several times and usually got a response. I was told some nice things and some things that really challenged me. One time when I was talking about one of my journaling sessions the pastor stopped me and said "I love hearing what you've got, it's the whole New Testament being poured out for us". That made me feel really good and really in tune with god and what he was telling me.

Our family had started to expand and in 2001 our second daughter was born. We realized at this point our 2 bedroom town home wasn't enough. We had a little money so we bought ourselves a nice big house. Unfortunately, it was on the opposite side of town, and continuing to attend our church would have been impractical to say the least. So we began the process of finding a new church home.

Well, god intervened after several unsuccessful attempts at finding a church we fit with. We got two flyers about some new churches on our door one weekend and a neighbor reccommended one of them. Sunday morning rolls around, and for some reason I decided to try the other church first. Much to my suprise, an old friend from high school was a member of that church and had served on the planting committee that decided to open the church in our neighborhood. The people were great, the children's ministry was just what we were looking for, and I knew that god put us there for a reason.

We became members soon after that, and got involved quickly. The church met at a middle school, so I got there every morning at 7am to help set up all the A/V eqipment and the childrens area. It was great. We volunteered at all the community outreach events the church put on. I helped hang door-hangers for Easter. I even started hosting a bible study in my home every week. I was on fire for god. I even witnessed to some random guy at a Taco Bell while we were eating. It was very awkward and the guy wasn't into what I had to say, but I left it with a "Jesus loves you" and knew that I had planted a seed for god. I participated in Yahoo's christian chat room and led a few people through the Romans road of salvation and sinners prayer on there.

Also during this time I attended a couple of Promise Keepers rallies and was absolutely blown away. We debated with a group from American Atheists which was pretty interesting. But I came away from those rallies with a new appreciation for god and what he was doing in my life. I also came away with knowledge of apologetics. I'd never heard of these kinds of books before, but I was very interested. Josh McDowell spoke at one of the rallies so the next week, I went out and bought The New Evidence That Demands a Verdict Vol. I&II. It was a massive book, over 500 pages printed outline style with two columns per page. I read the whole thing in a month. I couldn't get enough of it. Here was hard evidence for what I felt in my heart. I read R.C. Sproul, Lee Strobel, C.S. Lewis, Tony Evans and several other random books I picked up at Half Price.

I was on fire before, now I was an absolute 4 alarmer. I led prayer groups at work, I was donating even more time and money to the church, I put the full-court god press on my brother who wasn't saved. I was into it. I laughed at the foolish atheists who had nothing to live for and who were doing the devil's work. Then one day, during an investigation of "the other side", which I did occasionally (to be an effective warrior, you've got to know what the enemy is up to) I came across the website www.infidels.org which gave me pause. Here were academics daring to contradict the truth of Josh McDowell's evidence. That shook me up a little. For whatever reason, it made the idea of christianity not being real a small possibility. At that point I had to investigate further. This took me to talkorigins, skeptic.com and livescience among others. There I read all manner of blasphemy, but something about the way it was delivered really struck me. These people didn't seem evil and hatefilled. They didn't appear to only be concerned with themselves. They didn't act like they were in cahoots with Satan, and it bothered me.

It's now early 2005 and I am stuck in a quagmire. So much of my life has been built around god, and I have some serious concerns about what I believed in. I still went to church and did all the same things, but I couldn't shake the feeling that I had it wrong. I started crying out to god, begging for him to take the doubt from me, give me just a little more faith. I told him how much I wanted to believe and would he please help me through this trial. I started doing more at church. I started reading my bible more. I was searching for something that I could anchor myself to, but nothing came. About August of that year I realized I simply didn't believe anymore. Looking back, I can see the stages of grief that people go through when a loved one dies. I denied it, I bargained, I got angry. I did all that, but in the end I accepted it. If biblegod is real, he let me go; I had no choice in the matter. I used the brain he gave me and did what he made me to do and this is where I ended up.

Maybe this is some kind of trial and eventually he'll call me back, I don't know. It doesn't seem likely, given what I've learned about the world and the natural processes that govern it; a god seems superfluous. I still will say an occasional prayer. Something like "god, I don't know if you're there or not, I don't think so, but if you are I'd really like to know it. I very much want to spend eternity in paradise so if you want me there show me the way to you. You know me better than I do, so you know best what will bring me back. If you're real I trust that you'll do it. Thanks." As of yet I haven't received a response.

I'm not opposed to a god being real, though I can't see how the god of the bible is real. However, if there is an afterlife, I want the best one possible. I would very much like to spend eternity in paradise with the creator of the universe and my friends and family and all the celebrities of history. If there is an all powerful creator, I want it on my side while I'm still living on Earth. I mean, who wouldn't want that? I just can't force myself to believe in something that my heart and brain think is a farce, just like I couldn't make myself not believe when I was a christian. There was a process that had to occur and it happened in progressive steps.

Anyway, if you read this whole thing, I'm impressed. Thanks for taking the time to do so. That's my religion story, so far.

Sincerely, Red McWilliams

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