Quite
often, I
am bowled over by how literate, detailed, even how technical some
arguments for or against the existence of God are. I never had need or
want to defend my position to such an extent that I would care to
develop such rhetoric skill. Neither did my indoctrination ever reach
the extent where memorization of biblical fact ever came into play.
Oh,
sure, when
young I had to memorize bits of passage for catechism. But, did I care
about it? No. I viewed my religious upbringing as if it were a club
that met one or more times a week to get together, read stuff, tell
everyone in the room how full of sin they were, tell everyone in the
room how righteous we as a group were, and sing some songs. My
religious upbringing began when I was very young, my mother toting me
around to various religious meet-up groups renting a store-front here,
meeting in a basement there. She went from group to group, gradually
building up the "seriousness" of the religious group we belonged to
until she brought us to an American Anglican church. In that church, I
was an altar boy (no kidding!) and was very happy being a member of the
group. Then, my mother continued on to Catholicism, leaving me in the
Anglican church that I was comfortable with. That created a rift, a
pause.... I started to reflect on the church, God, and everything
religious.
More
or less at
the same time, I was going to a school that technically was a parochial
school, except that it was Quaker. (For those of you who are about to
ask, no, I did not have to wear one of those little funny hats and
collars. Stop being ignorant: you're thinking of the Quaker Oats man or
the Amish.) Educationally, it was a good school. At the time, it used
methods that were considered cutting edge and new. Now, they're old
news. Technically, in that school we had to observe some religious
"indoctrination". But, the indoctrination actually hurled me along my
path towards my atheistic destination. Every morning, we got together
and sat in silence. ...what fun for a young teenager, huh? But, you
gradually learned to accept its meditative aspects, even if you didn't
realize it was meditation. Every once in a while, someone would stand,
and say what was on their mind. More often than not, it had nothing to
do with religion. Maybe it was something in the news, maybe it was a
political comment. Then, you sat and thought about it. Gradually, you'd
get over your stage fright, and get up and say something yourself.
Otherwise, there was a lot of writing and careful critique of politics,
the news, and media in general. Nothing was taken for granted. The
whole thrust of my education there was "think for yourself."
So,
under the
pressure of my mother, who was contantly switching churches like
other's change their socks, I got to see how every one of them was
correct, just, righteous, and surely the apple of God's eye. All "those
others" were wrong, they didn't have Christianity right. My education
was steering me to ask, ask, ask...then to follow it up with
introspection. Finally, a crucial moment came when I was about 13 or
14. I decided I could only trust my own judgement on God and faith, and
not anyone else's. I rejected the idea of God. My belief system came
crashing down on me.
Ironic,
isn't
it? The religious experience itself actually taught me to seek
something other, something outside the religious experience. Although
it took more years for the experience to be fully internalized and
appreciated, more than any catechism, that moment was truly my first
step into the greater world.
Sincerely,
Jim
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