I
don't think I can provide you with a de-conversion story since I was
never really a deep, faithful believer. However, I can give you a
realization story.
My first recollection of religion was being in Baptist Bible Camp at
about age 5. It was much like any bible camp, run by people who think
they know what God/Jesus are, but usually incapable of providing a lot
of explanation. I remember being told all these wonderful things about
God/Jesus and I don't remember seeing him anywhere -- certainly not on
television -- and I asked where he was? The young woman pointed up in
the air. I looked up and she was pointing at the ceiling. I thought she
wasn't making any sense. I asked if he was upstairs (in the sanctuary),
and she said no, up there in heaven. I still didn't get it and thought
that she meant God was in the ceiling. For a 5 year old, the thought of
God being in the ceiling was scary and confusing. It lead to some other
forms of mental paralysis as time marched on.
Later, when I approached the subject again and asked where God was, the
finger pointed up in the air again but this time we were outside and it
was almost dark. The person was pointing up at the stars and said that
God was in heaven. I asked which star was heaven and I got some obtuse,
confusing explanation. I really thought these people were nuts. I
decided to stop asking where God was because it was obvious that no one
knew.
I was born a skeptic and the reality is that my position never changed
throughout my life no matter how hard I tried, and boy did I try.
It
was a social requirement to be religious, and sometimes it was an issue
of personal saftey. Where I grew up if you declared you weren't a
Christian then you were crap. I would use a different 4-letter word,
but not to someone's 81-year-old mother. (I'm sure you could handle it,
though.) I attended different churches, bible studies, Methodst Youth
Fellowship, more bible studies ... I just didn't get it. Nevertheless,
as time went on I was coaxed (perhaps coerced) into believing that God
was everywhere, in everyone and everything. God knew what you were
doing 24hrs/day, 7 days/week, 52 weeks/year ... you couldn't escape
him. I was also led to believe that all of my dead relatives were
watching me from Heaven and they knew everything I did, too. This
resulted in a lot of mental distress for a young man who was trying to
believe in something that he thought everyone else believed in without
any problems. I thought I was the only person in the world who doubted
God and just didn't "get it". I was not allowed to see people with
theological problems, skepticisms or ... gasp ... atheists.
My parents were open to watching just about anything on television (as
long as it was free) and I remember watching Madelyn Murray O'Hair on
the Phil Donahue show. I think I was in junior high school. I couldn't
believe that my mother was watching an atheist on television. I learned
that she was the one who got prayer out of public schools. At the time
I watched the show, I think it had been unlawful for over 10 years for
a school to sponsor prayers, but that's exactly what I was subjected to
at the time I watched the show -- the principal was organizing school
prayers every morning. I didn't believe in it and I didn't want to
participate in it and I knew it was illegal for them to sponsor it.
BUT, here I was, forced to pray by my teachers who would rat out their
students to any parent if the children didn't pray. How was it right to
talk about the Constitution in one hour of the day and then completely
disrespect it in another hour of the day?
I
instantly had a kinship
with Madelyn Murray O'Hair. She may not have been the most polite woman
I ever saw, but she had to put up with a lot of crap in her life and
she had to act like a bulldog just to defend herself. I understood.
Later, when I attended college, I had another try at being a believer.
It was a dutiful attempt, lots more bible study groups and such, but it
had no effect. In fact, the more I saw of the world and the more I
thought about how the world works, the less and less likely a god could
exist. It just wasn't possible for the god described in the Bible to
exist and it was definitely impossible for the god described by
believers to exist. Everyone had a different version of god. If I
thought this was confusing when I was 5, it was down right
unconscionable when I was 25. I gave up trying to believe. At that
point, I had become a deist who thought that a supernatural entity of
some sort had some interaction with the world, but on what level and to
what degree, I was not sure. Because of a lack of description of the
proper god, and because of a lack of direction provided by such an
invisible god, I simply forgot about him for a while. I went through
socially acceptable rituals, like getting married in a church, but I
just didn't believe in him.
When the September 11 terrorist attacks occurred, I instantly knew that
there was no god at all. There was no supernatural force affecting
anything that happened in my world. It was not possible for an entity
to be supposedly loving and kind in one breath but be cold-blooded and
cruel in the next. For if it were to be so, he even killed believers to
accomplish his hideous goals. It was not that long before that I had
encountered a series of interviews between Bill Moyers (an ordained
minister) and James Campbell (former Catholic and mythological
researcher). The interview between a current Christian and a former
Catholic (now atheist) was mind-blowing. Not only was there so much
information about mysticism that I never knew, but I witnessed an
ordained Christian minister being kind, polite and respectful to an
atheist. I never thought that was possible.
I began searching for all kinds of information about religion. We were,
after all, about to fight a war because somebody used their religion as
the basis for attacking us, and our President was all too quick to pull
out the Christian card every time he had a thought on
something.
I
learned that Christianity is just another religion. Like a centuries
old house (often found in Europe), it was simply built on top of
another house that was even older. Basically, Christianity was a
made-up religion thrown together from parts of other religions. It
sounds implausable for such a thing to occur, but it did. So many
things that were inconsistent made so much sense -- like, why is
Christmas celebrated on December 25 including Santa Claus and decorated
trees? Borrowed from pagan traditions of a holiday that occurred --
guess when -- on December 25!
I didn't de-convert from Christianity. I came to realize that it was an
entirely illogical religion using entirely illogical principles from
which to enforce rules on other people. It was a way to suck money out
of the wallets of the unsuspecting, while at the same time avoiding the
payment of taxes on any of it. I realized that my time will pass on
into the same realm from which I came -- nothing. No Heaven, no Hell.
My time in eternity has an end and there is no more.
I
hope this is helpful to your understanding of those of us who are
atheists.
Sincerely,
JNTB
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